by: Steven Ilchev
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1. Literature is life. Life is Literature. Literally, I might be somewhat alive but figuratively I am much, much more than that! I am a marauding 'wolverscribe brontopratamus'!
2. Cornwall is the Promised Land. Israel is the land of promises. Palestine promises to be a land. Zimbabweans are simply guaranteed a promise to remain blissfully landless.
3. Vati-cunt Shitty might as well be an exotic services off the M25 Motorway for all I care!
4. "Because today is yesterday's tomorrow" is a philosophy I'd rather go without. It would be far more suitable for a glorified one-eyed Scottish idiot, mesqueaks!
5. "Could the people in the cheaper seats please clap your hands... and the rest if you just rattle your jewellery!" was the defining prattle of the swinging sixties' concerted endeavour to bridge a gap between the "classless and free" as they were later derided in immortal verse and the gleefully introverted classy aristocracy-sweat-marinaded bumpkins in palaces, manors and castles alike!
6. If Ol' Big 'Ead were still alive today he'd liken football to a disjointed New Labour Party conference.
7. I miss Neil Fairbrother's revolutionary pinch-hitting. He revitalised the leather and her obliging willow in the pyjama-format of the gentlemen's game.
8. Sir Ian Botham epitomises what a knighthood award is indisputably all about. Give fifteen more to Beefy to atone for all the piss-take ones brandished like confetti to indescribable monstrosities.
9. If you really and truly love England completely and unconditionally then cast your ballot for the party that really stands for all the values that have been cultivated with such diligence for thousands of years unto the soil of this most magnificent, culture-oozing turf, id est THE ENGLISH DEMOCRATS! It's time the voice of England finally acquired a voice rather than cling onto a Westminster-scripted squeak in the park muffled by insidious political correctness. Visit http://www.englishdemocrats.org.uk to learn more.
10. Run a country as though it were a religion and you might as well be joining The French Foreign Legion!
11. Assimilating into a society you have chosen to grace with your presence is a must. Promoting blinding bile and hatred directed at your new microcosm's hosts and their ideologies is blatant insolence on the part of said society's guest. Pandering to and sugar-coating the anti-host attitudes promoted by any ungrateful visitor is a mortal sin on the part of the very powers that administer the welcoming society's day-to-day activities! Prioritise, accept and weed out accordingly - the alpha and omega of fair and effective governance.
12. If Baroness Thatcher did not dare energise her self-styled brand of face-saving brutality during her stint at #10 then the very same brutality would not have hesitated to re-invent itself in the most unprecedented gruesome forms in the not too distant future. We are hereby forever in her debt!
13. That treacherous old git Textspeak would be my first and foremost sodding convict awaiting execution if capital punishment were ever re-instated in Blighty.
14. The despicable act of 'chavving' about aimlessly must be wholeheartedly and unceremoniously stamped out if blessed human dignity is to ever flourish uninhibited again.
15. "There is no such thing as a worthless book though there are some far worse than worthless; no book that is not worth preserving, if its existence may be tolerated; as there may be some men whom it may be proper to hang, but none should be suffered to starve". How prophetic was Samuel Taylor Coleridge back in the day, my 'fellow Romans'? This quote should be as prominent as a neon sign in every classroom of today!
16. If you have never had an occasion to visit Porthcurno in West Cornwall you'd better book a bum on a seat at the Minack open-air theatre and live literally on the edge of a cliff overlooking the most scintillating turquoise watery carpet ever. No theatre could be better situated than this particular one, for all the tea in China!
17. If I were to be a character from any Rafael Sabatini novel I'd most probably be Scaramouche! I'd have to migrate to Captain Blood-land though and woo the deep and thoughtful Arabella. 'Trans-literarism' extraordinaire at work!
18. The decimalisation of our sacrosanct currency was, to put it in the simplest of terms, FUDGING, FUDGING WRONG!
19. Restore every Grammar school and heal this beautiful country's once most enviable... but present-day aggressively carcinogenic grass-roots education system for the wretched masses.
20. All in all, I prefer to strum away sarcastically into the flaming wilderness. Tame as I am!
21. "Slumdog Millionaire"'s sequeal will have to be entitled 'Poshbog Inflationaire' and will star the one-eyed Jock eejit Gorgon Medusa Brown-Sauce Age and Ali Baba Darling.
22. IF MY_COCKEREL.EQ.KIPPER THEN HER_VULVANO.GT.THRUSTATHON+THRUSTATHON+1
23. "Bah, bah shag-o-sheep, avya 'squeezy-fried' me neurotic Peter O'Toole" ought to be the opening line of the most light-hearted slapstick homophobic production ever delivered at The Theatre by the Lake in Keswick, Cumbria.
24. Barracuda Octopusama's successful journey to the White House robbed the political satire circuit of the opportunity to flourish as it was permitted to during the howl-a-minute years of Dubya the 'misunderestimated' official right smack on the tranquil 'Mexico-Canada' border.
25. "Play my flute with a sense of uncontrollable moderation", said Lordy Mandy to a Samba bender who in return gave the Knightsbridge Europhile the Garrincha (sic?) treatment.
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